This week, my daughter turned 13.
A milestone. A big one.
And I wasn’t there in the way I wanted to be. The day before I was delivering training to parents, many of whom were struggling with the very feelings I was sitting with myself: guilt, pressure, and that sense of not being “enough” as a parent. On her actual birthday I was delivering CBT to other children.
The big day came and having spent three hours the previous evening blowing up balloons and decorating the room, I woke up at 4:45am to try and make the morning special. Balloons, presents, hugs, photos, even a breakfast pastry with a sparkler; a burst of love before the rush of the day began. Then I rushed home again in the evening, trying to squeeze in some more magic before bedtime. We had planned to go for dinner, but all felt poorly, so we ended up with an at home pizza party!
Something in that day transported me straight back 11 years, to her second birthday. It was my first week of university. I had a 9am lecture, and I cried to her nursery teachers that morning, heartbroken that I couldn’t be there to make a fuss. I still remember the sting of that guilt.
And here I am, over a decade later, still feeling it.
What is ‘mum Guilt,’ really?
It’s that knot in your stomach that tells you, “You should be doing more.”
It’s the inner monster that says, “a good mum would have been there.”
It’s the comparison trap that leaves us feeling inadequate, even when we’re doing our best.
As a CBT therapist who works with children, adults, and families, I see this guilt come up all the time.
And I also know where a lot of it comes from (though it still doesn’t stop it gripping me):
- Societal expectations: the unspoken (and sometimes very loudly spoken) rules about what a “good parent” looks like.
- Social media comparisons: the filtered photos of perfect parties, ever-present mums and home-cooked meals every night with no fast food or sweet treats (I learnt my lesson on this one when my now 17 year old ripped off Iggle Piggle’s head on my niece’s 1st birthday cake and quickly shoved it in his mouth, because I never used to let him eat cake – not my finest hour!)
- Internal beliefs: deep-rooted ideas like “my needs come last” or “if I’m not there all the time, I’m failing.”
Here’s the truth: we don’t always get it right and that’s okay
Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about being present and that doesn’t always mean being physically there every moment of the day. It means showing up emotionally, over time, consistently, in ways that build safety and love.
So how do we manage it? How can we quiet the critic and soothe the guilt?
Here’s where CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) tools can be powerful in parenting, not just with our children, but with ourselves.
Challenge the thought
Start with the guilty thought. For me on Tuesday, it was:
“I wasn’t a good mum on her birthday; I should have done more.”
Is that really true? Or is it a thought shaped by tiredness, emotion, or old beliefs?
Try asking:
- What’s the evidence for this thought?
- What’s the evidence against it?
- What would I say to a friend who said this about themselves?
Reframe the narrative
You might reframe the thought to:
“I showed up in the ways I could. I made her morning special. I’m working to support our family, and she knows she’s loved. I couldn’t have done more”
This isn’t about sugar-coating things, it’s about looking at the whole picture.
Practice self-compassion
This is vital. Self-compassion is the thing we need to combat the shame and guilt.
You might simply say to yourself:
“This is hard. I’m doing my best. It’s okay to feel this way.”
Your children don’t need perfect, they need human! Someone who can model self-kindness, resilience, and emotional honesty.
When we neglect our own needs in the name of being “good parents,” we often end up overwhelmed, resentful, and disconnected. We can’t pour from an empty cup, and our kids feel that, whether we say it or not.
One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is to show our children what healthy self-care looks like:
- Setting boundaries
- Saying no when needed
- Resting
- Owning our mistakes without shame
- Repairing and reconnecting when things go off-track
Final thoughts
I still wish I could have spent the whole day with her and that part of me hasn’t gone away, it probably never will. But instead of letting that guilt take over, I’m reminding myself that love isn’t measured in minutes.
Karen Gerrans BABCP accredited Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist