The Hidden Cost of Being Helpful: When People Pleasing Becomes Self-Betrayal
We tell ourselves we’re kind. Thoughtful. Generous.
But what if your helping is actually hurting you? For so many of us, especially those who are neurodivergent, sensitive, or shaped by early rejection, people pleasing becomes a form of self-protection. You learn early on that the safest place is the one where you’re needed, where you’re useful. Where you don’t rock the boat.
But there’s a difference between kindness and chronic self-sacrifice. Between generosity and self-abandonment.
And that difference? It’s often the line between being seen and being invisible.
When Giving Becomes a Mask
It starts small.
You stay late. You say yes when you want to say no. You go out of your way to help, again and again. You convince yourself: I’m just being nice. I don’t want to let anyone down.
But if you peel back the layers, what often sits underneath is fear.
➔ Fear of rejection
➔ Fear of being disliked
➔ Fear that your worth is tied to how much you do for others
People pleasing can look like love. But underneath, it’s often a fear-driven attempt to avoid being abandoned.
And it’s exhausting.
The Rescuer Archetype — and Its Shadow
In therapy, we sometimes use archetypes to describe the emotional roles that people unconsciously assume. One of the most common is The Rescuer.
On the surface, the Rescuer is lovely. Empathetic. Supportive. Selfless.
They want to help. They see people in pain and want to fix it.
But when rescuing becomes a way to earn love, it takes on a darker side, what therapists call the shadow. That shadow might include:
➔ Helping to feel needed
➔ Giving without being asked
➔ Expecting silent recognition or emotional repayment
➔ Feeling hurt or rejected when people set their own boundaries
It’s no longer about the other person. It becomes about easing your own discomfort. You give control of the closeness, the connection, the outcome. You give so that people won’t leave.
But here’s the thing: the very people you’re trying to help often didn’t ask for your sacrifice. They never wanted you to exhaust yourself. And so they don’t validate you for it.
And that, not the giving, but the unacknowledged giving, leads to deep resentment.
The Link Between Neurodivergence, RSD, and Overgiving
I didn’t realise I was neurodivergent until I was much older.
Dyslexic. ADHD. Carrying decades of masking.
Desperate to be liked. To be chosen. To be enough.
When I look back, I can see how often I said yes when I wanted to say no. How I smothered my own needs in order to meet the expectations of others. And how gutted I felt when people rejected me anyway.
That’s what rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) feels like:
It’s not just “oh, that hurt.”
It’s “I’ve been completely destroyed by this perceived rejection, and I now feel unlovable and ashamed.”
So you work harder to be liked.
➔ You do more
➔ You give more
➔ You abandon yourself
And underneath it all is a quiet fear: If I don’t rescue everyone, I won’t be worth keeping around.
How This Shows Up in Eating Disorder Clients
So many of the clients I work with, especially those with anorexia, describe this exact pattern.
They shrink themselves.
Not just emotionally, but physically.
They become small, invisible, and contained.
Why? Because rejection hurts so much that disappearing feels safer than taking up space.
But they also long to be loved. They use the eating disorder as a way to pull others close, not consciously, but from a place of deep unmet need.
So the cycle begins:
➔ I over give
➔ I feel unseen and unappreciated
➔ I burn out
➔ I withdraw or relapse
➔ I feel ashamed that I “failed” again
The truth?
They were never meant to carry so much.
They were never meant to earn love through suffering.
Ask Yourself: What Age Am I When This Fear Hits?
This is a question I often ask in therapy:
“What age am I when I feel terrified that someone will fall out with me if I say no?”
Now pause.
Why that age?
Often, the answer takes you back to a time when love felt conditional, when safety meant being easy to be around. When you learned that saying yes kept people happy, and saying no brought chaos or punishment.
Understanding that origin helps you meet your younger self with compassion. You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You were adaptive. You did what you had to in order to survive.
But now? You’re allowed to do it differently.
The Antidote: Boundaries That Come From Self-Trust
You are allowed to:
➔ Say no without explaining yourself
➔ Set boundaries and still be a kind person
➔ Let people be disappointed and not take it personally
➔ Stop rescuing everyone and still be loved
True generosity comes from a full cup. Not a drained one.
Real connection comes from choice, not control.
And boundaries? They don’t push people away. They keep you in integrity.
They ensure you don’t become someone who quietly resents the people you once tried so hard to love.
Because here’s the real kicker about people pleasing:
The very thing you do to avoid rejection often causes it.
When we give so much that we disappear, people stop seeing us.
When we pretend we’re fine when we’re not, people don’t know we’re hurting.
When we say yes out of fear, we disconnect from our own truth.
And slowly, we become invisible, even to ourselves.
But you can come back.
You can reconnect.
You can learn that your needs are not a burden.
That your “no” is sacred.
That being liked is not the same as being safe.
Want more support like this?
I write weekly emails full of honest, trauma-informed insights on recovery, boundaries, self-worth and being neurodivergent in a world that often doesn’t understand.
About Me:
I’m Becky Stone, a UK-based therapist supporting adults and teens with eating disorders, ADHD, and trauma recovery. I work compassionately with people who have spent years trying to be “easy to love” and are now ready to start loving themselves.
You can read more about me at www.counsellorwhocares.co.uk
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful contribution to my blog. Your expertise and perspective truly adds value, and I’m grateful for the time and care you put into your post. It’s been a pleasure having you as a guest blogger, and I’m sure the readers will benefit from the knowledge you’ve shared. I look forward to the opportunity to collaborate again in the future! Karen.